Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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