I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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