omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
