As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
