On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
