the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
