pop tarts are not kleenex
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
