I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
