Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
