i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
