so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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