last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
