Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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