my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
