my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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