y did u give ur computer a hand job?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
