I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
