Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
