found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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