Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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