apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
