She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
