I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
