Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
