I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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