I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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