Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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