I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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