Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
