I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
