my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
