he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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