I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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