i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
