Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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