yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
