I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
