You surviving the open bar?
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every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
operation have a gay friend backfired
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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