so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I had to cum in my sink.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
