That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
