IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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