I think i peed on brittanys purse
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
