I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She's the barista slut.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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