I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
