Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
