So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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