Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
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