apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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