You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
