I cannot find my penis.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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