stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
